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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27478513">sorry for talking about you (but i had to)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ive_never_read_fluff/pseuds/Ive_never_read_fluff'>Ive_never_read_fluff</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sanders Sides (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Angst, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Needs a Hug, Gen, Hurt Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Implied Relationships, Okay Ending, Trans Male Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Trans Male Character</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 19:54:24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,886</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27478513</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ive_never_read_fluff/pseuds/Ive_never_read_fluff</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Virgil sometimes regrets writing about everything.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>sorry for talking about you (but i had to)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>TWS: VAGUE MENTIONS OF POSSIBLY BEING USED IN THE PAST (??)</p>
<p>lmk if there's anymore!! </p>
<p>&lt;3!!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>
    <em>i can't help myself, i put it down on paper</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>Virgil couldn't help but talk about it.</p>
<p>About.. them.</p>
<p>About what happened.</p>
<p>About everything that happened.</p>
<p>About how it affected him.</p>
<p>Virgil felt like once he started, once he told the first person, there was no stopping.</p>
<p>Once he opened those fucking flood gates, they kept exploding in waves and crashing down on him and leaving him to write about it, to get it out, to finally tell someone, more people, just.. just because.</p>
<p>He doesn't particularly know why he writes about it.</p>
<p>The only reason he can really think of is just.. to get it out, to write it down, because maybe then that'll make it more real, because maybe then it'll show himself that if anything, something did happen, that it was real, that he did experience it, whatever the hell it was.</p>
<p>Whatever all of that was.</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>all the different stages, memories of us</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>The first thing he'd written down was about his best friend who'd left him and the turmoil it put him through for so ridiculously long.</p>
<p>The second thing he'd written down was about him being trans and the depressive episodes it'd put him through and the suicide attempt fueled because of that.</p>
<p>The third thing he'd written down was about.. it was about-- those people who, more or less, groomed him while he was nine through eleven years old.</p>
<p>It's-- fine, though..</p>
<p>-<strike>he's not even sure why he talks about it, about any of it, because.. especially the last one, is really.. uncomfortable to talk about, to relive.-</strike></p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>that's the only way i know i can shake it</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>He'd started to write it down as a way to move on, to get some type of closure.</p>
<p>It.. helped, sometimes.</p>
<p>Sometimes it only made everything worse, sometimes it only made him think of it more, sometimes it brought everything back and forced him into even more memories, sometimes.</p>
<p>But, other times, it helped.</p>
<p>Other times it gave him a bit of closure, other times it made him feel better, other times it was relieving to get it off his chest, other times it was good to focus on that instead of one of the other issues.</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>writing all our pages, every single thought</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>Sometimes he'd start to try to write while in the middle of an anxiety attack, as those were perfect for capturing the pure, unfiltered emotions he felt and dealt with.</p>
<p>Sometimes it'd be too much, it would be too hard to write, to keep his hands steady long enough, and once he looked over it later there was quite the number of typos and his words were often more than jumbled.</p>
<p>It also.. hurt, sometimes, to look at what he wrote during those times.</p>
<p>The emotion and to write down so clearly what he was feeling.. sometimes it was almost painful to go over and read what he wrote, because he usually can't describe the emotions he's feeling unless he's currently, in that moment, feeling those exact emotions and in those moments, during an anxiety attack, he <em>was</em> feeling all those things (<em>or, at least, some of them</em>) and sometimes it was a little overbearing to look at it.</p>
<p>At his feelings, so laid out, plainly, clearly, so.. obvious, and sometimes Virgil just.. sometimes it just hurt.</p>
<p>It's fine, though, because he usually only reads it once before setting it aside and watching YouTube or listening to music until he starts to panic or gets unbearably sad again.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>i know you don't like when i'm nostalgic </strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>no, you've never tried to understand</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>say you're doing fine, don't think about it </strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>like i do</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>Sometimes Virgil wonders what any of them would think about him writing and sharing these things.</p>
<p>Virgil doesn't <em>really</em> care.. but, y'know, sometimes.. </p>
<p>Sometimes he just wonders what they'd think of him now.</p>
<p>What they'd change, if they could.. if they could go back and not do what they did, would they, especially after seeing how it affected him? </p>
<p>Probably not, but.. he just wonders sometimes.</p>
<p>Wonders, what would they say if they saw how he is now?</p>
<p>What would they do if they could see him now?</p>
<p>How would they feel if they knew how badly it affected him?</p>
<p>He knows, realistically, that they wouldn't care, that they never cared, that they'd probably could give less fucks about him, but even so.. maybe sometimes it's <em>nice</em> to just.. imagine that maybe sometimes they'd feel a bit bad for him, for what they did to him.</p>
<p>He knows, he does, but sometimes.. sometimes it'd be nice to pretend like he doesn't.</p>
<p>Like they would care, like they would feel bad, like they would feel guilty.</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>sorry for writing all the songs about you</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>He's not sorry for writing about them, about how it affected him, about what they did to him.</p>
<p>Well, sometimes.. sometimes he is.</p>
<p>Just a bit.</p>
<p>Not really, but, kinda..</p>
<p>Sometimes he's almost sorry, and he doesn't know why.</p>
<p>Sometimes he almost feels bad for writing it, writing about it, but.. he doesn't <em>really</em> feel <em>too</em> bad about it.</p>
<p>Most of the time, he's not sorry, at all.</p>
<p>Most of the time, he thinks they deserve to be wrote about, and he thinks that what happend to him should be written down, basically his form of "documenting" it, because while it was happening, he didn't think to screenshot anything or write down usernames or names or.. or anything, really.</p>
<p>Other than what he's wrote, his reaction to someone touching him in a way that even slightly reminds him of them, his emotions regarding any subject that even slightly relates or could possibly be related to what happened, the nights he spent curled up and sobbing because one little thing triggered the thought of them or of what happened, how fast he breaks down if someone says anything that sounds even vaguely like something they'd say or said, how panicked he can get within seconds of thinking of a certain something that they'd do.. other than that, he doesn't have any evidence.</p>
<p>Any evidence of what happened, or when it happened, or really even <em>how</em> it happened.</p>
<p>He wishes he did, but.. he doesn't.</p>
<p>And his fear of telling anyone is just increased by the fact that they might not believe him, that they might think he's lying about the whole thing, and the worst part is that Virgil doesn't even blame them.</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>i know that you hate that i got more to say</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>They'd always hate when he rambled.. but, y'know, they put up with it sometimes.</p>
<p>They wanted it to look like they loved him, so.. they'd listen sometimes, but sometimes they wouldn't but they'd just be annoyed and it's all Virgil's fault and does he know how much they do for him and how good they are to him and-- </p>
<p><em>Sometimes</em>, he'd go back to the.. to that mindset they wanted to put him in, that mindset that was all fucked up because no, no, they didn't love him at all, they didn't care about him at all, they didn't do anything for him at all, they didn't help him in any way!</p>
<p>But.. sometimes.. sometimes he just.. it was easy to get back into thinking like that.</p>
<p>And.. Virgil really didn't like thinking like that.</p>
<p>Virgil was trying to stop it, but as more time goes on and he's still unable to fully kick it, he's pretty sure it's useless.</p>
<p>He might have that forever, but.. he's mostly okay.</p>
<p>He's mostly fine.</p>
<p>Mostly.</p>
<p>Maybe one day he'll get there, maybe one day he'll get over it, maybe one day he'll feel better.</p>
<p>Maybe one day.</p>
<p>Maybe..</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>sorry for writing all the songs about you</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>Sometimes Virgil was still sorry.</p>
<p>But.. no, he wasn't really sorry.</p>
<p>He thought he deserved to talk about it.</p>
<p>He thought he deserved to get if off his chest.</p>
<p>He thought he deserved to tell someone, even if anonymously.</p>
<p>Even if he didn't know who he was telling.</p>
<p>Even if no one that he knows and almost trust enough to tell knows about it.</p>
<p>They don't need to.</p>
<p>Plus, there's still that.. fear, that they won't believe him.</p>
<p>They might not believe him, and they might hate him for "lying"..</p>
<p>Yeah, no, he'd rather not risk his friendship, thanks.</p>
<p>But still.. maybe he kinda wanted them to know.</p>
<p>To like, y'know.. avoid using words that trigger it.. or something.</p>
<p>He doesn't actually know why he wants to tell them.</p>
<p>He just.. does.</p>
<p>But he won't.</p>
<p>No, he won't.</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>but i had to </strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>(oh, i had to)</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>He wanted to tell more people, but.. he doesn't even know why, because he also doesn't want anyone me to know.</p>
<p>He might be seen as a slut or.. or the other word for slut that sends him down a spiral so fucking fast because -<strike><em>he-</em></strike> they used to call him that and oh god please no one ever fucking say that near him those panic attacks he's gotten from just that word are-- </p>
<p>He'd be looked down upon (<em>moreso than he already is</em>).</p>
<p>He'd be.. yeah, no, he doesn't need any of that.</p>
<p>Yeah, he's good.</p>
<p>He's fine with just talking about it to people he didn't know, because at least then, they didn't have to believe him, he wouldn't lose anything by telling them.</p>
<p>Okay, yeah..</p>
<p>He's.. he's fine with that.</p>
<p>Maybe..</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>swear no one will know that every moment was true</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>The first time he told someone (<em>directly like.. over text, but the person had been friends with him for years</em>) he was still mostly in shock.</p>
<p>Shock as in: he only cried about it occasionally, he hadn't realized the depth of any of it, or really what happened at all.</p>
<p>That makes him think that maybe it wasn't all that serious.</p>
<p>Maybe it wasn't all that bad.</p>
<p>Maybe it's not that big of a deal.</p>
<p>Maybe it's.. maybe it's not all that serious.</p>
<p>Maybe it's just nothing.</p>
<p>Maybe it's nothing like he thinks it is.</p>
<p>But it is!</p>
<p>It.. it has to be.</p>
<p>Because if not, why.. why does he react the way he does to things? </p>
<p>Why can't he do certain things without getting an anxiety attack? </p>
<p>Why when he hears or even sees certain words he suddenly gets panicked and his breathing gets unsteady? </p>
<p>Why-- no. </p>
<p>No, it happened.</p>
<p>It happened, goddammit, and Virgil fucking knows it.</p>
<p>It's real.</p>
<p>It did happen.</p>
<p>It was real.</p>
<p>See, this.. that's the problem.</p>
<p>If he gets caught up in thinking that maybe it wasn't real or maybe it wasn't serious or maybe he's just overreacting so much and making it something it's completely not and if sometimes he can't even believe it, how could someone else?</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <strong>all the mistakes and why you ran away</strong>
  </em>
</p>
<p>There was so many mistakes.</p>
<p>So many mistakes.</p>
<p>From.. from both of them.</p>
<p>From both Virgil and <em>them</em>.</p>
<p>He wishes he could take it back.</p>
<p>Oh, Virgil wishes he could take it all back.</p>
<p>If he could, he'd go back and change it.</p>
<p>He'd go back and never interact with <em>them</em>.</p>
<p>He would, so fucking fast.</p>
<p>But.. he can't.</p>
<p>He can't.</p>
<p>And fuck does that mess with him.</p>
<p>Fuck.</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>sorry for writing all the songs about you</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>(but i had too)</em>
  </strong>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>uh ew what yeah idk either but uh i found this song a few days ago and also why is this so awkward ( ･ั﹏･ั)</p>
<p>also yes again i don't think i've ever vented (yk more like projecting but idk) through virgil so this was interesting 〜(꒪꒳꒪)〜</p>
<p>song: Sorry For Writing All The Songs About You by Clara Mae</p></blockquote></div></div>
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